I have been ruined by the rampant, random and undefined ambiguity of "situationships" / I have quietly observed the steady decline of uh… what's that thing? Oh yeah, relationships…as they lie somewhere on an endangered list / we stumble over titles and labels, like cracks in the sidewalk / unconcerned with where we're going while we "talk" / unavailable, when commitment knocks / And why is that? Could it be, that fear has fueled our apathy? / or do we just wear the genes tailored for us by our father's, with their blood? / See, absentees can't commit / so as a kid, you might forget to learn love / eternally, you turn away keeping paramours at bay---while internally, your heart grows colder than a Detroit winter / and even as an adult, I'm still somethin' of a beginner / unable to master love but I've picked up being somethin’ of a pretender / Pretending like lust doesn't cloud my judgment, feigning like we were one and only's when I know, we wasn't / Acting as if I was okay with having sex "without strings", while the threads hang here, bare from my faith, my fingers, my face in the mirror / that regret, it still lingers / I wish I had graduated a prude / how crude, how dare I try to elude or should I say escape, solitude / with women I barely knew, clothed or in the nude / connections that rarely grew beyond superficial sights and the empty hope of "mights" / But I can't trust you, so I can't love you--- cuz I've been let down / and it's now my curse to reciprocate what I've been dealt now / Heartbreak, doth breed: deception, i.e. drama, inglorious disconnection / I know I've spread myself too thin, for all the women I've "talked" to, I carry pieces of them within / like shrapnel wrapped up in sin, combat scars from this unholy war / with every movement, I feel the bitter tinge of potential, premature and unexplored / Nagging and gnawing at my core, "Remember my name? We've been here before" / and then I think, why did I cross the line so many times? / allowing these lives to intertwine like plenty vines, for a moment only to end in separation, then alas, isolation / Intermittently, I wonder how you might feel / if you were apart of the facade or on the fence or if you ever felt, somethin’ "real" / I started off thinking, I had been ruined by the rampant, random and undefined ambiguity of "situationships" / but in the end, I realize I've been brainwashed to believe in them as contemporary and safe or necessary and convenient / when in reality, it's none of the above in the end, I think / I may have been ruined, by love. 11:14:14, 3.58 AM

I find myself starving and it's human this hunger / I feel it, winding, rising to the surface but I've been trying to keep it under / but I hear it in my head like elephants and God, producing thunder / yet, there's coldness in my heart and it's freezing like the tundra / still, I yearn and I wonder about how I can conjure up what it takes to share a space and put myself aside, in honor of those that may be mates / but it's getting kinda late and again, I've only got one plate... but it's probably better that way, cuz my mind's a bit bent outta shape / my flaws go deeper than my face, which is flesh, so I feel cursed by my mistakes / past, present and yet to come / I constantly magnify, o the mess that I've become / how could I be truly loved by anyone? hell, I've even questioned God / not out of insolence or disrespect, I just find it kinda odd / outsiders might think I attract admirers like a lightning rod but my record is really spotty / many chances have fallen apart like soggy bread, right in my palms / never was meaning harm but in his arms, misguided charm / and lacking the wisdom and experience, to know just what he want / or hating what it was, (I hated, what it was) analyzed and identified, I knew so much that was less---than love / and once I was able to spy and specify my needs, I heard it wasn't special, let alone deserved, by me / so, I turned upon a loners road and endeavored in my dreams, to retain my demons under lock and key and to never plant any seeds / you can take that as it seems and you can read and hear this poem twenty times but you'll never understand me / why I'm starving or hungry / (Why don't you stop and take a little time out with me? Just take five, ohhh yeah / stop your busy day and take the time out to see, if I'm alive...) Ohhh, yeah / Oh, yeah...Oh, yeah Feels like I ain't been felt in so long / Déjà vu drips from that line but I still reminisce on what I miss and I haven't been able to connect in so long / but still I go on, with a heart that holds on, with whispers of thread / as I muse in my head, that even my bed is fed up with my routine / and the tread on my shoes is tired of doing the same things / but hope still guides me to look towards the horizon but change remains beyond that and in hiding, so sometimes the only thing I find surprising, is...the fact that I'm still here / I thought that this was gonna be a poem on companion ships, loneliness and like a drought just hit, type thirstiness / but I guess it's unclear / you can see or hear anything here / I no longer expect to find love / hell in this world, it's much easier to find drugs / but I'm not sure having either would gimme the balance I need / I still talk to God and I believe He heard me but maybe I'm the one He's waiting on / I hope these tunes can numb my wounds because the pain is so strong / but my frame and on top my brain, is oak strong / still, I didn't think whatever it is I'm waiting on to change, would take this long / started to seek to see therapy in pretty and empty things, fully aware of the superficial and the fillers in everything but I've been trying to shift my mind to apply apathy to everything, including myself / but ironically, I think that would require the heart of someone else / 11:11:14, 3.00 AM

I comb these streets like I'm styling heads in an elite boutique / where minds bubble and brim with treats but we miss the wisdom, cuz mystery persists when we decide, to never speak / don't break the circle, maintain the silence / I ponder secretly, curiously peeping ye, wondering where her feet are leading, she / imagining what might greet her when she arrives at her destination / but such things are only for Gods and hearts as brave as William Wallace or Crispus Attucks to know / so, I'll just continue to stand still with my soundtrack pulsing in the back, while I'm half staring at my toes / with a mind that's enclosed, on my own, sporadically revisiting a lifetime of woes / intercut with the treasured and refined, distant and sublime, finery / divine desires that divide but still outshine, everything / and I try to keep 'em like I'm selfish and shy on the inside, so it's a toss of the die if you'll ever hear anything / Cuz secrets, sweet or worthless, remain deep, below the surface like devout submarines that know their purpose / could you handle seeing a skeleton, if you were to see me shirtless? / when I still go to sleep mongering, wondering if I'll wake up and ever feel, perfect / but it's hard to enjoy anything, if you feel that you ain't earned it (even life...itself) / this cerebral circling, is constantly burning / if the difference lies between believing and receiving, as I recently heard it / I guess my reasoning is this is a seasoning, pardon me---a season, where I'm relearning / I wonder how many will read these words, take them and debate them, maybe mistake them for a sermon / I guess the only thing I want, is to make sure that they heard 'im / wisdom to some, for others just a burden / but still the significance is, this is something of, a relearning / 11:17:14, 3.50 AM

(Would you let me kiss you, if I told you it was for art?) I've dreamt of sneaking a peck to your cheek, while you sleep / innocent and sweet but I don't think it'd mean as much, if you couldn't speak / I wanna look into your eyes, where you're paralyzed but never in peril, as I take you by surprise / then everything dims to the mixed and muted palette of a sunrise, as our lips finally meet / anticipating like a geek that I'd stand, with my knees weak but our embrace grows deep and I feel my power only increase, tenfold as we go up at least, ten feet / my right hand between the nape of your neck and the ends of your hair / noses pressed into flesh like we've evolved in these moments to no longer need air / a perfect pair, passion and purity / this blissful dance signals progression, expression of abandonment of all the past circumstances and uncertainties, exile to insecurity / forgetting every second I spent wondering, why you were hurting me / that's how I imagine our first kiss / and sadly, I keep doing it, over and over again / We lie in darkness, as I wonder if you can hear my heart beating the hardest like it just harnessed the power of 10 moons / but otherwise, it's silent in this room / and I shudder, nervous that you can see my thoughts and on cue, you whisper and ask, "What are you thinking about?" / And I figure, you gotta know my mind, still orbits you / as much as I wish for the will to hate you / to face you and be unaffected / to write you off, for not loving me back / for casting your spell then trying to take it all back / yes, you tug at my heart, through screens, in dreams and here, right in this dark / and like the masochist I am, I try to play the part of a loyal friend / but my spirit has grown weary and pieces of me wish this would all end / but right now, I wanna take you, embrace you with a force that gives you chills in your spine like I might break you but you are fearless / so pressed and meshed is our flesh, that I'm on the edge, ready to inhale you / and breathe you out, floating on this cloud, as we both get high / I need my touch to tell you everything that I've been holding back, in reflection and isolation for so long / like the hold of every rule and bar and fear of the unknown, is now gone / all we hold onto, is us / there is no distance here, we disappear into each other / no reservation or resistance here, we are finally free from inconvenient and obnoxious bondage / free to yield to the magic we both have seen / with nothing in between but the beating of our hearts, in this dark / did I answer your question? 12:13:14, 9.24 PM

Just woke up and I realized, that in a fairly short period of time, I've crossed at least three lines / but still, it's you I find hovering, forcibly reentering my mind / so it seems I gotta find a way to free myself completely from this bind / my conscience tells my heart that its about time, that I gotta sober up but I only feel worse, after all of this trying / lying to myself, like it'll change what I'm feeling / struggling to hold up walls and facades cuz the truth is so unappealing / and part of this truth is, desire is such an unruly beast / and until its satisfied, it never really sleeps / and presently I only sense that its power has increased but it hasn't been fulfilled with anything that it eats / my precious, live in parasite, leaving me emptier than when I started, preying on everything in my sight / everything out of reach / confused about the who, Cupid or you, that's responsible for this leech / if only I knew how to take the torch that I keep for you and use the flame to send this passenger beneath my feet / jointly you and I approached the peak of something we built, then you beat a conspicuous retreat / only to return when you felt fine, willfully blind to things left behind, with me / forgotten and tattered fantasies, joyous trips to lands that were never promised / and while I'm being honest, I hate this place but I don't know how I can escape or how in the wake of those three lines, I wound up back at your place / shamefully eager to once again share your space and get one more glorious glimpse of your face / hoping that something, somewhere between or beneath us, lying in the ether, would change / but this all remains strange / you sleep and I, lie alone, awake /

Change hands like dolla bills, won't ever cuff but cop some feels / hearts plead for more appeal, to fall in love, is so ideal / so, fairy tales are kinda real / (But) screw my views and my cues, dump those clues, i'll learn to lose / contemplate and pet my pain in solitude, since us is dwarfed by the power, you / you the moon, you the moon / i'll flee you soon, flee you soon / in search of a land of eternal sunshine (and spotless moods)

I don't wanna be loved, I don't wanna be loved / I don't want you to enter my heart, to make a home, knowing one day you'll leave and it'll ruin my blood / I don't want to close my eyes, with you on my mind and find that you're still there when I wake with the dawn and the sunrise / I don't want to anticipate our first kiss or have my thoughts linger on our last / I don't want you to elevate your hopes, while I try to explain my past / I don't want this to last, I don't want this to last / I don't want to discuss "us", I don't want the stakes to be raised while we try to build up trust / I don't want the seeds of a crush to embed and interrupt... weaving themselves into weeds that only distract and corrupt / I don't want to fly or to fall / I'd rather stand rooted and tall, a blind slave to gravity / I don't ever wish to question or consider your reasoning in having me, trying to comprehend the version of me you see / I don't want to wait for you to wake up, realizing that I'm not for you / I don't want to reflect and write poems about love and what was / I don't want to read quotes, instructing me to "smile because it happened" / I may not be the master of my fate but at least, I can control some of my actions / I don't want to be bound by the laws of so called, "attraction" / is it wrong to imagine chemistry, as an accident waiting to happen? / I don't need to see the beauty in you and how it emanates from your ribcage to your surface / life is full of risks but I don't think, that any of this is worth it / and rest assured, this has nothing to do with being perfect / but there's no easier way to word it and I think it's best if now, you heard it / I don't wanna be loved / cuz I've been poisoned by the snake and in study and pursuit of something great, I've made so many mistakes / I'd probably be better off, if I had just learned how to wait but now my soul is strained, as my heart bears the brunt of this weight / now I'm afraid it's too late for me to recover from this fate / I don't wanna be loved / leave me alone with this pain, where sweat and tears blend but I just call it all rain / I'm not looking for a rescuer / I did my dirt and I am stained / I'm just chronicling my path, I've learned not to complain / I don't wanna be loved / 12:4:14, 5.19 AM

Unfortunate that I don't think that you're the one, innocence has gone and ignorance is undone with the rising of the sun / too much light, I can't hide what I've become / nowhere to run, from the glare of the questionable judgment that we shared, which led us here / maybe that's awkwardness and stilted guilt that hangs about in the air / (But) the conscience is always tardy, the morning after / as we silently wonder how the story will end now, with this bad bastard chapter / we have thickened the thread that links us, tho’ it lies undefined with loose ends / and I search for the benefits of crossing lines with those who I can’t even identify, as friends (Am I a) Flavor of the week, a favor for the moment? / does any of it make a difference? when it all incurs debt to atonement The morning after. 12:6:14, 5.41 AM

No boos / I dreamt of death from above , so I chose to pour down more booze / my liver don't love the liquor but I consume more brews / let the spirits loosen me up, cuz I've been feeling more bruised / like my soul is sore but I guess that's how we make blues / and tho it's still God's rules, I'd rather postulate about doom in my room, in solitude than to locate pews / I've been struggling to smell the flowers here and I can barely see them bloom / so, I don't think it really matters if I shuffle and repeat these melancholy tunes / currently listening to Kurt but I wasn't planning on following his cues / cuz tho it hurts, I still think I've got a thing or two, left to lose / is that cool?

Last night, I kissed somebody / truly, madly, deeply on some 90s shit / like we were the only ones there on some survivor, climactic, denouement shit / I'm not sure who it was or why but once we stumbled and slightly fumbled over our initial unfamiliarity, we simultaneously realized that I needed to be kissed and so did she / and for those sealed, spilled (and not so) secret moments (it was in the hallway, maybe on the way to the basement, at some sort of gathering) we were each other's, everything / nothing in between but serendipity, chemistry and the sweetest silence / (PSA for PDA) "They can walk around," I thought. "But if they don't, who cares? Just...don't...let...go." / we stood with caution in the wind (but only it blew away) / as we were now impervious, encroaching on joint and subjective oblivion / my subconscious concocted a recipe for tangible, maybe even, indelible perfection / that was some kind of dream 12:13:14, 3.54 AM

I can feel your energy, as you lie in the dark, right next to me / there's that antiquated desire, once again that's tempting me, testing me / the devil inside, telling me it's alright, this time to act selfishly / "just seize the moment, consequence has never been a worthy opponent" / right? But I'd be foolish to pretend I didn't know, that was a damn lie / and right on time, I visualize bliss in this dark while my right hand, grazes your right thigh / wondering if my fingertips can pick up hints, that your constitution's been swayed, now convinced and you're thinking the same things / temptation's a bitch, 'bout as much as loneliness but please believe, to me you're much more than a plaything / still, to answer this call would be like sacrilege, especially with no rings / but recklessness intersects with lust, in the corner of my mind, steadily lurking, plotting to overthrow king / claim my crown and take the wheel / consequence has always been a worthy opponent, that shit is so real / mean, cuz I've always seen you as a queen and I don't wanna sully your highness with superficial tings / but your pulse and your scent intoxicate and inebriate / so, now I find my spirit soaking / as I hover above and cross your chest, my nose tú neck...damn, for a sec... I was floating / up where the only thing that separates us, is inhibition and clothing / but reluctantly, I withdraw, employing this comforter, for cloaking / 12:20:14, 7.11 PM

Who can impart a spark to my heart? A bit of fire, a bit of light, to part the dark and give my soul a little start / You flick your wrist, catalyst to a tease / spontaneous texts received, almost send me to my knees / in part for worship, the other accursed cuz you're still hurting me / birthing butterflies in the form of our memories / I crave your touch but like "Rogue," I know you'll siphon my energy / somehow our circumstances caused us to elevate our state but the stakes were far too great, so the same atmosphere is what ultimately sealed and will one day separate our fates / friends become lovers, become friends / by the time this track is over, we'll have undergone this fools ritual again / if only we could just fall in love and I could make you happy and high like junkies who dive into pools of drugs / but I am poison and I am parasite / ... a sheepish surface but paired with a wounded spirit, lonely and imperfect might bring a wolf to light / no, no, no...I don't mean to bite / and tho' this may be a very scary sight, ya know they say love is blind, so I'm hoping, you'll still stay the night, stay the night, stay the night / yeah, I know we ain't livin' right / but it's so much easier to sin, than to ever repair the mirror and confront what lies within / where might we be if we had our fathers love? / I'm 28 and can barely tell you who my papa was / first cries, coming into the world naked, oblivious to the fact that the other half of me, couldn't take it / or something of the sort, it's all still kinda complicated / I used to wonder and question my mother but figured my curiosity would dissipate if it was continually sedated / repression is my weapon of choice cuz I can't face it / pieces of my heart left in Maryland, their absence lingering like a favorite fragrance / my roots will always remain but destiny demanded changes / 20 feet, some change and maybe one prayer away from greatness / trying to cast so many shackles off like I've spent the last three years with Cinqué, traveling on slave ships / when all a nigga really wanna do is vibe on spaceships, shine on stage, shit / still here with bruises and dry tears, so I guess, I gotta make it / lights, camera, action...I gotta take it, I need to take it / running ragged and naked, discombobulated, all up in these rat races / trying to keep my head but the devil's so determined to take it / damn, these Manhattan vices / I've strived to save these coins but I'm repeatedly subjected to these Manhattan prices / c'est la vie, c'est la vie / he no seek no pity, no 'woe is me' / just recounting some of the pieces that make up my story / ongoing...I'm going... grip my neck, Lord, guide my feet / step by step, I'm on a quest to love peace / but one of the only times she comes around is when I can find sleep but clearly the Sandman's been overwhelmed, cuz I've been competing with the moon for weeks / insomnia keeps me up, while my conscience and heart speak / from drips that echo in the dark, to floods that rush to seep from my pores / but I can't let it all leak... / I'm in bondage to deeds, the fallible ways of man / I've scattered spurious seeds / regret takes root and you find yourself, carrying nothing but weeds / and I can't hear or understand what it is, that anyone else sees / if you can, please give it to me, I mean, tangibly / I think I'm trapped, cuz I am free / but don't mourn me / for now, just hear my view / there's so many different things that I would tell you, like how I still miss you / but I'm wary of hurting you anymore and giving you stress, undue / when my thoughts still dismay, laying in disarray, so there's plenty of discord in my actions too / I'm scared, I need you...stay away, I don't trust myself or you / is it love I hate? I'm awake with desires / no give, all take / I'm struggling to handle the fire... maybe, I love you / turn away, please stay...your smile, your smell / my heart, it swells / is this real? I can't tell / what happens, if we gel? / I can't stand...myself / I love my--- 12:18:14, 4.25 AM

Messages tellin' me I need to let go / the persistence of memory never lets me forget tho / vividly envisioning broken pictures, right in the front row / heartbreak and mistakes mixed in my milkshake, right there in the cup hold / unintended synesthetic but on the surface, I front mo' / like all of these trials is freezing my heart slow / but I must admit, lately I'm starting to feel a little numb tho' / do I appreciate the irony in that? (what? I guess, no) / trying to free my heart and mind, more like my blood flow / to be blind / but I can't follow the path to where I can press, Go / 12:19:14, 1.19 AM